* welcome to my void, i plan to redesign it at some point, but i had the undertale format lying around and i needed to vent.
* i thought coming out as trans would help me feel more normal. which is so wildly backwards in retrospect but its true. i felt so strange before and i didnt feel like i was being myself. at all. now that i'm transitioning, i DO feel like i'm ABSOLUTELY being myself but I feel so vastly far from the people. yk like the zeitgeist. i just feel like i dont fit in. at all. and i recognize thats a normal feeling but its also an incredibly hard feeling. i feel like i need to explain myself to every person who sees me when im walking down the street and the wind blows my bangs out of place. i'm not even joking my bangs did so much for my sense of security its almost comical. i wanna dye my hair again cause the blonde is fading. i'm thinking of going for a ramona flowers red. but back to the bummer feels. i've struggled with feeling like a real person, who belongs, for a LONG time. the feeling kind of dissipated while i was in a relationship but as soon as i was on my own, the feeling of 'otherness' reared its ugly head again. and i hate it. i hate feeling like an alien. like everyone around me is a real person and i'm some sort of alien or 'other' being. i've never described it as a feeling of 'otherness' before now but i really like that. giving a soul crushing life-long ailment a label really helps. now i can talk to my therapist about it!! yippee! i just hate feeling like i need to explain myself to the people around me. i hate wearing pads in my bra every day and wondering if everyone knows they're fake- but i can't go back. if you're reading this and you want to comment on this or talk to me about it just leave a chat in the chat box. unless ur on mobile. then you have to get on your laptop. i should work on that. so much of me just wants to detransition rn. it'd be so easy. but ive come this far and i know i'd be a lot worse off and it'd be the biggest regret of my life- if i just detransitioned to 'fit in'. no one would take me seriously again. and the most important part about transitioning, is that i'm doing this for me; it's not a social tactic. i knew it would be harder to be trans but now im really in it. and i feel gross. all the time. all the goddamn time. i've always felt gross. well, i remember a time when i didn't feel gross. obviously, it was when i was a child. but even then i felt that there was something not right about me. and then i got gross. and i've never felt right again... ..ok: "what an overdramatic, wild simplification of my history with the feeling of otherness" you might be thinking, but sometimes it feels good to be dramatic. and that's why i'm excited for drama class on monday!!!!! check back here in a week, i'll be back with more #collegelife hahahahahaha (8/20/2025)
* summer vacation: a poem by me
i wake up to the sound of road constrn.
i have no idea what time it is
my mouth tastes like rot
and my skin is hot and wet
the clock reads 8:09 AM
is it really that early?
what would I do so early?
my parents are probably still home
so I rest my head again
the clock reads 9:22 AM
it’s still so early
I have zero plans for the day
I do not wish to bother anyone
so I rest my head again
the clock reads 10:14 AM
I rest my head again
the clock reads 10:25 AM
I rest my head again
the clock reads 10:39 AM
my cat silently leaps onto the bed
and nudges my head on the pillow
my cat is hungry
Low and behold
when the simple truth reveals itself-
that nothing is waiting for me
no expectations are layed before me
and not one person needs to enjoy my presence within the next 24 hours
total and complete freedom is attained.
and with it
the crushing weight of decision:
continue to sleep.
or find something to do.
unfortunately, these days, I don’t often find myself entertained, let alone excited, by most options layed before me, whether that be a lack of patience and emotional stability or a larger discussion about the situation of media and hobby in the modern landscape is irrelevant.
The reality is the same.
i will sleep
or i will be bored.
Low and behold
when push comes to shove
and it's 10:39 AM
and I am contemplating the weightlessness of the day ahead of me
in sweatpants and bed sheets
it takes nothing more
than a hungry cat
to spur me out of bed.
and I am born again.
(8/12/2025)
i wake up to the sound of road constrn.
i have no idea what time it is
my mouth tastes like rot
and my skin is hot and wet
the clock reads 8:09 AM
is it really that early?
what would I do so early?
my parents are probably still home
so I rest my head again
the clock reads 9:22 AM
it’s still so early
I have zero plans for the day
I do not wish to bother anyone
so I rest my head again
the clock reads 10:14 AM
I rest my head again
the clock reads 10:25 AM
I rest my head again
the clock reads 10:39 AM
my cat silently leaps onto the bed
and nudges my head on the pillow
my cat is hungry
Low and behold
when the simple truth reveals itself-
that nothing is waiting for me
no expectations are layed before me
and not one person needs to enjoy my presence within the next 24 hours
total and complete freedom is attained.
and with it
the crushing weight of decision:
continue to sleep.
or find something to do.
unfortunately, these days, I don’t often find myself entertained, let alone excited, by most options layed before me, whether that be a lack of patience and emotional stability or a larger discussion about the situation of media and hobby in the modern landscape is irrelevant.
The reality is the same.
i will sleep
or i will be bored.
Low and behold
when push comes to shove
and it's 10:39 AM
and I am contemplating the weightlessness of the day ahead of me
in sweatpants and bed sheets
it takes nothing more
than a hungry cat
to spur me out of bed.
and I am born again.
(8/12/2025)
* im in a bad place. by the way my apostrophe key isnt working, its not performative. at least ive got my frog mermaid build a bear that i thrifted. ill upload a pic when i get around to it. so anyway ive got this mental issue right now where i cant enjoy anything because the egos of my mind wont let me. maybe that sounds pretentious idk. but seriously, i feel like i wont let myself enjoy anything because someone out there probably knows better than me and theyre gonna come in and psycho analyze me, and then it turns out im not a big deal, im just a weirdo, my ideals are wrong and nothing matters. so, if im meta enough to know i might be wrong and i continue to not believe that im a good person, then i cant be wrong. right? it doesnt take a genius to know thats not healthy. “I’m not a bad person just because I want to be happy” I have to keep telling myself that until I believe it. (8/3/2025)
* thanks for listening :)